From the archives...

-from the archives-
Does everyone experience their 20s like this? Anxious, unsettled,...stressed. I thought stress was mainly for college exams or married-in-your-40s-with-kids-to-send-to-college...not for the mid-late 20s! Not the prime of your life - ?- 20s are supposed to be full of adventure, independence, finding yourself. That seems a long way from my office-space, domestic bliss existence in the armpit of the mid-west. The biggest adventure during my week is navigating the treacherous roads to and from work each day (developing a new combination of expletives to describe the inability of those sharing the merge lane with me to drive)...and perhaps splurging on a cherry coke. What a feeling it must be to have a passion...to feel a purpose to your days. I envy those who are dedicated to a cause or possess a useful talent that brings happiness. It seems too early in my life to feel such an anxiety or panic...is my life really passing me by? Are the best days behind me? Surely not. I feel the youth escaping me with every 8:30pm get-ready-for-bed routine. Have I turned into that bitter old lady at the ripe old age of 25? What I thought life in my 20s would be like...travel...city life...dating...discovering who I was and what I wanted to do...where I wanted to go with the rest of my life...I don't know what I want anymore. What will me happy?! I'll never know without trying various things - trial and error...it won't find me...paralyzed...security, comfort-zone, routine. I wake up lately with an alarming feeling - I've been worrying about something in my sleep that only remains in the form of adrenaline, a sweat and nervous stomach. How do I clear my head...

She envisioned her mind as hundreds of tangled wires, all sparking at the ends rather than terminating in a distinct, uncluttered way. It was always racing, always leaving her with the sinking feeling of forgetting something important. Today was no exception. In the middle of pondering lasagna-making she felt the anxiety take over. What was she worried about now? Her relationship? Her job? She wondered if she'd ever really know.
To an ordinary person everything in her life seemed to be going well, but this was no ordinary girl. Ordinary girls don't have the expectations for their lives like this girl did. 'Just okay' wasn't good enough; she demanded the world and more! What she feared most was that she would not really live her life, at least not to its full potential. She questioned whether her fire was squelched and became paralyzed by the choices she wasn't sure she had or knew how to make.
She pushed aside the thought of delicious lasagna to focus on herself for a moment. What did she need; what did she want? ... Clarity. The decision was made to spend the year exploring what her heart and mind were really trying to communicate. She wistfully thought that just maybe she could transform her life thoughts out of the borderline coherent state they were currently in.